Tuesday, May 3, 2016


I don't know about most of you ladies, but short shopping has to be the worst most depressing, fattening, horrendous experience in my life!  I would rather clean 80 year-old toenail gunk out than go short shopping. Maybe if I looked like this skinny hoe. No offense I'm being petty and jealous!  I'm sure you're just naturally skinny, I might enjoy the task a little more. But I don't! And if you do look like her stop reading my blog. Go away! Never come back! Go down 40 burgers,12 large pizzas, and $200.00 worth of Taco Bell. Because its not fair to us real human ladies.

Each year shorts get shorter and shorter. I'm all about a flattering short short. But I don't want to walk around constantly tucking in my vagina. Shorts and swimsuit shopping are guaranteed to make you gain at least 3 lbs. after. Here you've been thinking all spring you're exercising and good eating habits have been paying off. Until the dreaded turn around in the changing room. Then your heart falls to your ass and there goes that great mood and little self-confidence you've built up. You are now aware that your ass was hit with 15 hail storms and the damage is way worse than you thought. So you decide screw it and soak your sorrows in pizza, ice cream, and vodka!! Lots of vodka!

To make matters worse, there is really no in between. You either get vagina fall out shorts or the other dreaded camel toeing, ass flattening, thigh guard shorts. Am I right ladies no in between. And its not like you can just go pick out your size and take them home without trying them on because no shorts are created equal.

I get it cellulite or a little stretch mark is apart of life. So if I get it why don't short makers understand that too. I'm sure these shorts makers are not V.S. models. Can us regular girls get a flipping break here. I know I don't want to see my shit, I'm pretty sure no one else wants to either.

The only good thing about short season is the skinny lumps. I know its wrong but I can't help but get super happy when I see a 16-19  pre-baby skinny girl sporting these shorter than short shorts with cellulite. Each and every little dimple in the back of her skinny little legs brings happiness to my heart and makes me believe that God just might be a girl.

Far well and good luck short shopping ladies. May your vag not pop out and your ass be covered up more than it is when you're wearing a thong.


Tuesday, April 12, 2016

Photoshop, Crazy Girls and Fake Internet Lives Got Me F@#ked Up!

In a world full of push up bras, Spanx, fake hair and fake lashes (which I love me some lashes) booty pops, gurgles, waist trainers the  last thing we need is Photoshop!!! I mean come on. I completely understand maybe spot touching a blemish or lightly, I SAID LIGHTLY WOMEN, smoothing a fine line or annoying wrinkle. But Photoshop has gone too far. How far people mostly girls will blows my mind.

What are these Photoshop junkies thinking creating a different person. This might work if the people creeping your pics are internet friends only, but are you really fooling the friends and family that actually know you. It's like "hey, look at Patty she's lost 45 lbs. She's looking amazing." Then you run into Patty at the grocery store a week later and that girl is still big, if not bigger. Who are you fooling Patty? Who? No one can gain or lose 45 lbs. in a week. Not even with a plastic surgeons help. Who needs to diet when you have Photoshop. You can just never leave your house if you want the fake image to work.
                                                         ONTO THE CRAZY

There's this girl I know, not well. We'll call her Fashley. I know her just  well enough to know she hates me. I am good friends with her ex. I was good friends with him before they started dating. Fashley was very insecure with him being friends with the girls in our group. Especially me. Fashley had no reason to hate me. She never met me. I'm married. I didn't want her man. Hell half the time I don't want mine. Fashley is not an ugly girl. She has great hair, beautiful eyes, does her makeup well. She's just a little big. But still pretty.

Pretty comes in all shapes and sizes. I love all types of women. Confidence is what's sexy. No I'm not a switch hitter, I only go the D-way, but that does not stop me from appreciating another beautiful women. People think I'm stuck up when they first look at me. I'm far from it. I'm the first one to tell a girl I love her shoes or hair or I think she's pretty. We're getting off topic here. I have lots to say on the girl appreciation and body type topic. We'll get there in another post.

Anyways back to Fashley. The girl hated me from day one. She was stalking my Insta. I know because she hit the like on a photo when she was creepin. Stalking 101  NEVER HIT THE LIKE! STAY AWAY FROM THE LIKE. I was told by mutual friends she was copying my pics. Imitation is the most sincerest form of flattery. Didn't bother me. The only problem was she Photoshop the shit out of herself and cropped all her pics.

After they broke up she went on a war path and campaign to exile me and blame me for their breakup. She followed my friends, became friends with his crazy other ex. She became friends with people who knew me, stalked me with a fake Facebook account.  It was very entertaining. This woman is also an adult and mother of two. I seriously thought high school ended at 18. It's been almost a year now since they broke up and she is in another relationship. But she's still on me. She's gained more weight and now I can say after actually meeting her the girl is big. But you wouldn't know by her posts.

She's still copying my pics. She tries to act like she's rich when her and her kids live in her Mom's basement. She lies saying she has $1,000. LouBoutins and wearing name brand clothes. These things I don't understand. She should be proud and happy with the life she has. When did people start living double lives. From what I've been told she's now started to try and look like me. But to do that she's literally has to edit her pics so much she becomes deformed.  In her pics, she looks smaller than me. She looks like a size 6. In real life she's tipping 200 on a 5'5 body. How is this not embarrassing to her new boyfriend. His friends are seeing this pretty girl with the good body on Insta then meeting her like who the hell is this. Did she eat your girlfriend? How is she not embarrassed. You post a swimsuit pic looking like Kim Kardashian which is who she thinks she looks like then you run into your friends looking like Abby from Dance Moms. Did I mention she's a PHOTOGRAPHER! What do her clients think when they meet her. I'll give her credit she does have mad Photoshop skills.


It must suck to be a dude these days. You see a girl online think she's pretty. You meet her she's bigger in person. Ok, she's still pretty. Take her home start getting freaky. You tug her hair, her weave pops off. Still ok this can work. Take off her pants, there goes the ass. You get it on fall asleep next morning you wake to a now brown eyed girl (colored contacts), one lash is sticking her forehead the other on your pillow, her boobs, butt, and hair is all over the floor. The girl you're waking up to is a completely different girl than you brought home. THIS IS FALSE ADVERTISMENT! How would we feel if guys did that to us.

Tell me your thoughts, your stories. Have you had a similar experience. Do you agree disagree. I like
to hear just as much as I like to talk.

Till next time peeps.
Smooches  from me and my non edited pics with cellulite and scars

My Sister is Satan and the Bitch Must Go Down


Satan is my sister and the bitch needs to go down

Who knows how to perform an exorcism! This is not an exaggeration. She is completely disgusting and manipulative. Not to mention ugly AF! Oh and her new man looks like a dick with ears.  I won’t bore y'all with the long list of shit she’s done. All I’ll say is think of the worst thing a person has done to you. She’s done them all and then some.

Sometimes being the bigger person sucks. Not bigger in size. She’s a fat troll. Satan has single handily tarnished my parents memory! She’s went against all their wishes. What sucks even more she’s able to trick people into thinking she’s normal. Like a small cult!

She’s a grown woman who post her whole fake life on Facebook and gets into battles with other family members!

When does a person stop being the better person and take a bitch down 👹🔪☠.  Like go at it with you have. Take no prisoners. Destroy her existence.

How many of you have psychotic family?

Wednesday, March 16, 2016

You Can't Take the Asshole out of the Asshole! So Whatcha Do?

I like to think of myself as a reasonable, easygoing person who does not judge. We all know that's not possible. We all judge! It's like breathing or farting. It's a part of life. We can't live without doing it. Some just do it less. I do it less. Judge others not fart. I probably fart more than the average person. I just find it so damn funny. If you don't find a fart or at least a fart story funny, there's no hope for you. Just give up or remove the stick out of your ass!  IT"S FUNNY!!!

Image result for funny fart pics

Ok, where was I. Oh yes, sometimes you just got to take people for who they are. Screw bad first impressions, having a bad day, being shy, or socially awkward. Some people are just assholes and not the good, funny kind of asshole like myself. Just a plain, regular, hairy, brown hole. AN ASS!

                                                       I'll spare you all the asshole pic!

For example, my best friend's boyfriend. Technically now fiance. It was a last chance kind of don't kick me out of the house I'll buy you a ring proposal! Pretty funny story, but far too long for a blog. So anyways the first time I met this douche, I knew he was just that a douche. Not a bad looking dude. Kinda cute, until he opened his mouth. Holy f***!  It was like watching one of those scenes in a movie where the girl is at the bar and some wannabe game playing dude walks up and starts hitting on her with the cheesiest bullshit perverted pickup lines, grabbing and massaging his crotch while rocking back and forth. Just like that! Seriously!! Here I'm meeting this guy for the first time and he's seeing my friend (not best friend at the time, still new friendship) and he was clearly hitting on me. I remember thinking "maybe I'm taking his comments the wrong way" or "he can't help himself I am pretty fucking hot". And it was like she sat there oblivious to the shit coming out his piehole! Just staring at him like a proud owner of a cute new puppy. 

Out of all our friends, me the sweet non-judgmental one was the only one who'd tolerate him. He wore his welcome out in our group faster than a chubby kid chowed down on some birthday cake. It's been years of his perverted comments, hearing him make sexual jokes about wanting to bend me  and f*** over the bar. Plus, they constantly fight. Every week she's kicking him out the house, but he never leaves. Promises he'll change but he does't blah,blah,blah. Somewhere over the past year he got the idea that it was ok to text or call me during their fights. I know, that's what I get for being so likable. In the beginning, it was far and few between, now it's constant.

We try to have lunch at least once every other week. And by lunch I mean three bottles of wine while moving the food around on our plates and gossiping. Maybe a little social media check-ups. We do not stalk! That's for losers. But our lunches have become more of a pain in my nicely toned ass than fun. He text literally every second. Then when she stops answering because she's annoyed he starts texting me. Let me remind y'all if you haven't caught on I am a little bit challenged in the whole keeping my mouth shut when it comes to idiots area. I admit a flaw I never need to work on.

I have given this man more breaks and chances and tried to be understanding than I have ever given a man who was not sleeping with me and paying my bills. His level of crazy asshole behavior has tripled over the last seven months. He now tries to hunt us down, goes by my  house, or follows us. We literally caught him the street over from mine waiting like a dumb ass to be sneaky and follow us. He's one of those assholes who tries to compensate for his small dick by driving a overly large, loud truck. HELLO ASSHOLE!!!  You can't hide that dick mobile behind a tiny stop sign.

Image result for tiny men driving overly big trucks

As y'all can see, it's gone way past the"oh he's having a bad day" or "he's trying he's done so good this whole week". He's just an ASSHOLE!!! So how do I handle this peeps? Hook me up with some ideas.  Do I put a stop to this hanging out shit if she can't control her manbaby or is putting up with his shit worth having my biweekly alcohol lunch date because damn that wine is good.

Eagerly waiting for advice!

Thursday, October 23, 2014

Vodka will you marry me?

Dear Vodka,

Where have you been my whole life? If I had not wasted so many years in pointless relationships with other alcoholic beverages, we could have started this love affair soo much earlier. I should have been stronger, I should have tried harder. I should have never judged a drink by it's bottle. How shallow of me.

I'll admit it was not love at first taste, but that was not your fault. You had no choice in the partner you were mixed with. I'm so happy you never held that against me. Even when I was unfaithful and cheated on you with your friends, Jack and Crown. Oh and that one time I went slumming with Tequila Rose.  There was a point in my life when I was an alcohol slut. I can't even remember half the brands I hoe'd around with. I'm not proud of it.

I know they say once a cheater always a cheater, please know that is not the case with me.  I now know my true love for you and all that you do. You make me happy when I'm sad. You give me excitement when I'm bored. You calm me when I'm angry. You give me confidence when I'm shy. I would love to say you make me a better dancer, but we both know I need absolutely no help in that department.  

You taste great with almost anything. Not many of your friends have your same skills. You're a dime!!! You're not the needy kind and understand when I need space. You always have my back and have no problem hiding in a water bottle. We both know what would happen if our secret love affair became public. You make dealing with my hubs when he's on his man rag a little more tolerable. 

 Your two best qualities, the reason you've stole my heart. You make sex wild and crazy. You bring out my inner freak and never make me feel bad in the morning. 

So for all that you do, I love you. 

Need I say more