Thursday, October 23, 2014

Vodka will you marry me?



Dear Vodka,

Where have you been my whole life? If I had not wasted so many years in pointless relationships with other alcoholic beverages, we could have started this love affair soo much earlier. I should have been stronger, I should have tried harder. I should have never judged a drink by it's bottle. How shallow of me.

I'll admit it was not love at first taste, but that was not your fault. You had no choice in the partner you were mixed with. I'm so happy you never held that against me. Even when I was unfaithful and cheated on you with your friends, Jack and Crown. Oh and that one time I went slumming with Tequila Rose.  There was a point in my life when I was an alcohol slut. I can't even remember half the brands I hoe'd around with. I'm not proud of it.

I know they say once a cheater always a cheater, please know that is not the case with me.  I now know my true love for you and all that you do. You make me happy when I'm sad. You give me excitement when I'm bored. You calm me when I'm angry. You give me confidence when I'm shy. I would love to say you make me a better dancer, but we both know I need absolutely no help in that department.  

You taste great with almost anything. Not many of your friends have your same skills. You're a dime!!! You're not the needy kind and understand when I need space. You always have my back and have no problem hiding in a water bottle. We both know what would happen if our secret love affair became public. You make dealing with my hubs when he's on his man rag a little more tolerable. 

 Your two best qualities, the reason you've stole my heart. You make sex wild and crazy. You bring out my inner freak and never make me feel bad in the morning. 

So for all that you do, I love you. 




Need I say more


Sunday, October 19, 2014

Lazy

F*@K THE NOTEBOOK

                                                 
I think no I’m pretty damn sure movies ruin our lives. We set ourselves up for disappointment. We want to believe that love can be so earth shattering, heartbreaking wonderful. That one day we will have our heartbroken into a million pieces, but it will be okay because it’s preparing us for our happily ever after. How can we love so much if we don’t know how fucking horrible it is not to love. Well I call BULLSHIT! No one is going to wait around for you. Two people don’t find each other after years apart and pick up right where they left off, and there’s certainly no music playing in the background with the perfect lyrics while two people kiss.  Yep, it’s all bullshit! You know why, because we are all lazy and impatient! Lazy, impatient, and horny.
What inspired this topic you ask, a stupid, stupid movie called “The Notebook” that’s what. I've heard about it but never watched it until today, and I wish I could rewind the last three hours of my life and watch anything other than that stupid movie. Now I’m sitting here crying like a big baby as my husband looks at me like I've lost my mind. I want that love. I want that story minus the hideous undergarments and pin curls. My poor little dreams are crushed. My hubby can’t take out the trash like he promised much less rebuild a house.
Romance in my house is when my hubby decides to actually brush his teeth before getting in bed. Sometimes he’s so thoughtful he’ll go out of his way to aim his farts the other direction or warn me he’s about to bust ass.  That’s love girls. Not to mention the presents. Like the present he leaves me in the toilet after he forgot to flush it when getting out of the shower. Then there are never ending toe nail piles. He loves to keep the excitement in our marriage so he’ll switch it up. One day I’ll find them on the floor between the rocker and end table. Next time they’ll be in the plant pot or in the couch cushions. He tells me he loves the way my face lights up when I find them. He’s so sweet.

Come to think about it, it’s not that different. I have my own real life Ryan Gosling here. Minus the good hair, add a few (80) extra pounds, definitely A LOT more body hair, but he does have the beard. We have our own love story.  He may not write me 365 letters or stand in the rain and kiss me, but he does remember to put the toilet seat down, and 96.9% of the time he wipes the pee dribble off the seat. Because of him, I can hit a road sign with a beer bottle while going 60 mph down the highway and he lets me leave door open while I’m using the bathroom so I can continue talking.  He won’t read our love story to me every day when we’re old and I’m sick in some nasty home. But I guarantee he’ll never let me go a day without my eyebrows drawn on. 

Saturday, October 18, 2014

DAILY ROUTINE


There’s only so much a housewife can do around the house before getting extremely bored. Technically there is a lot I could do. I could probably scrub the baseboards, organize the pantry, clean the closets, but let’s be honest that’s just stupid and boring. 

A normal day for me is getting up early and by early I mean 10:00. I lay in bed check out the news and important issues going on in the world via Twitter, Insta, Facebook, Celebuzz, E! News. It’s imperative for one to stay informed. Get a little education and inspiration in thanks to Pinterest. Man, the things I learn from that website are endless. That alone can take hours. Once you’re on, that site sucks you in and before you know hours are gone and freaking starving from all the food pics.  My board is loaded with amazing ideas. I look like one crafty little Pinner.  It’s a shame I’ll never give half of them a try.  But the other Pinners don’t need to know I’m a fraud.  So I have a “finished objects and pins” folder and from time to time I’ll throw a few random ones in there just to keep up appearances. It’s the thought that counts right. ;-) 

I check my schedule for the day while drinking my “poo” tea still in bed of course. Do my morning ritual “I don’t wanna get out of bed” tantrum. You know the kind, where you bury your face in a pillow scream and thrash your limbs around. Don’t judge.  Then I’m off and going for the day. Partly because I have no choice but to get up, thanks to the tea. That tea is the shit, lol! I love, love, love it.  I usually tackle the housework first while dancing and singing in my undies, another morning ritual.  

Next, my favorite activity of the day workout time! NOT!! Change into my workout gear depending on the day. If it’s a light day, I’ll usually stay in my undies and thrown on my sneakers or Uggs. Ugh, I hate workout time. I don’t know why people really like it. It’s hard you get sweaty, nasty, have to jump around like a weirdo and I never look 10 lbs lighter when I’m done so what’s there to like. But I do it, I go hardcore for a good 20 minutes. Get bored start making up my own moves. Mine are always better. I should make a workout video. About 30 minutes in I’m sitting on the floor watching the workout video and playing on my phone eating yogurt. 

I know what you’re thinking, that’s a lot of activity to get in before 2:00. How does she do it?  What can I say, I’m driven. If no lunch plans or shopping excursions have been made, I shower get all dressed up in clean jammies or yoga pants and its back to the couch I go to enjoy an hour of quiet before the little people get home. The so littlest one always comes home with a shit load to say. He’s so hyper at first. If he’s really bad, I’ll go hide in the bathroom for 10 and give him time to unwind so I can actually make out who pissed their pants or farted really loud on the bus. 

Just a normal housewife day, I’m sure you all can relate.

Thursday, October 16, 2014

Change

CHANGE
So there’s this thing I hate. It’s called change. I don’t like it. We are not friends. We’ve never really been friends. I can’t even say it’s a love/hate relationship. Nope, it’s just good ol fashion hate. The only change I’m good with is when it comes to clothes, shoes, weight loss, you know the superficial shit.  I wish I could say it’s because of some deep rooted issue from childhood, but it’s not. I’m just basically brat and like what I like. Change screw things up.
I’m not the fastest learner so when I get use to something, why does the world have to go and f@#k with me. Like when they discontinued my favorite eyebrow pencil. Like it wasn’t bad enough learning how to draw those bad boys on and not look like a black sharpie attacked my face or I was wearing the McDonald's arches across my forehead. But there was also the shade issue. HELLO EYEBROW MAKEUP MAKERS, light brown should not be orange or that weird burgundy brown. That was a cluster f@#k I never thought I would get through. Serious life crisis people! I still have nightmares. If you don’t believe me, just check out pics from my early 20’s. Sadly, this was a battle my dear Mother never won. Her brows were always three shades to light and nowhere close to a natural shape.
So you get my drift, it sucks. So to all you people out there that say “embrace it”, screw you my friend, screw you!  Just think how much better life would be if change didn't affect everything. Your boobs would still be perky, squats would not be a nightly chore, and all those lines and huge pores would not haunt your world very morning while applying the latest and greatest miracle cream.

P.S. Cindy Crawford, I HATE YOU. Not really, I love you but your infomercials annoy me. We get it. You’re beautiful. You don’t age! Is it really fair that you have to be the first thing I hear and see at 3:00 am as I’m taking my nightly stroll to the bathroom.