Wednesday, March 16, 2016

You Can't Take the Asshole out of the Asshole! So Whatcha Do?

I like to think of myself as a reasonable, easygoing person who does not judge. We all know that's not possible. We all judge! It's like breathing or farting. It's a part of life. We can't live without doing it. Some just do it less. I do it less. Judge others not fart. I probably fart more than the average person. I just find it so damn funny. If you don't find a fart or at least a fart story funny, there's no hope for you. Just give up or remove the stick out of your ass!  IT"S FUNNY!!!

Image result for funny fart pics

Ok, where was I. Oh yes, sometimes you just got to take people for who they are. Screw bad first impressions, having a bad day, being shy, or socially awkward. Some people are just assholes and not the good, funny kind of asshole like myself. Just a plain, regular, hairy, brown hole. AN ASS!

                                                       I'll spare you all the asshole pic!

For example, my best friend's boyfriend. Technically now fiance. It was a last chance kind of don't kick me out of the house I'll buy you a ring proposal! Pretty funny story, but far too long for a blog. So anyways the first time I met this douche, I knew he was just that a douche. Not a bad looking dude. Kinda cute, until he opened his mouth. Holy f***!  It was like watching one of those scenes in a movie where the girl is at the bar and some wannabe game playing dude walks up and starts hitting on her with the cheesiest bullshit perverted pickup lines, grabbing and massaging his crotch while rocking back and forth. Just like that! Seriously!! Here I'm meeting this guy for the first time and he's seeing my friend (not best friend at the time, still new friendship) and he was clearly hitting on me. I remember thinking "maybe I'm taking his comments the wrong way" or "he can't help himself I am pretty fucking hot". And it was like she sat there oblivious to the shit coming out his piehole! Just staring at him like a proud owner of a cute new puppy. 

Out of all our friends, me the sweet non-judgmental one was the only one who'd tolerate him. He wore his welcome out in our group faster than a chubby kid chowed down on some birthday cake. It's been years of his perverted comments, hearing him make sexual jokes about wanting to bend me  and f*** over the bar. Plus, they constantly fight. Every week she's kicking him out the house, but he never leaves. Promises he'll change but he does't blah,blah,blah. Somewhere over the past year he got the idea that it was ok to text or call me during their fights. I know, that's what I get for being so likable. In the beginning, it was far and few between, now it's constant.

We try to have lunch at least once every other week. And by lunch I mean three bottles of wine while moving the food around on our plates and gossiping. Maybe a little social media check-ups. We do not stalk! That's for losers. But our lunches have become more of a pain in my nicely toned ass than fun. He text literally every second. Then when she stops answering because she's annoyed he starts texting me. Let me remind y'all if you haven't caught on I am a little bit challenged in the whole keeping my mouth shut when it comes to idiots area. I admit a flaw I never need to work on.

I have given this man more breaks and chances and tried to be understanding than I have ever given a man who was not sleeping with me and paying my bills. His level of crazy asshole behavior has tripled over the last seven months. He now tries to hunt us down, goes by my  house, or follows us. We literally caught him the street over from mine waiting like a dumb ass to be sneaky and follow us. He's one of those assholes who tries to compensate for his small dick by driving a overly large, loud truck. HELLO ASSHOLE!!!  You can't hide that dick mobile behind a tiny stop sign.

Image result for tiny men driving overly big trucks

As y'all can see, it's gone way past the"oh he's having a bad day" or "he's trying he's done so good this whole week". He's just an ASSHOLE!!! So how do I handle this peeps? Hook me up with some ideas.  Do I put a stop to this hanging out shit if she can't control her manbaby or is putting up with his shit worth having my biweekly alcohol lunch date because damn that wine is good.

Eagerly waiting for advice!