Tuesday, May 3, 2016

WHEN DID SHORTS BECOME PANTIES

I don't know about most of you ladies, but short shopping has to be the worst most depressing, fattening, horrendous experience in my life!  I would rather clean 80 year-old toenail gunk out than go short shopping. Maybe if I looked like this skinny hoe. No offense I'm being petty and jealous!  I'm sure you're just naturally skinny, I might enjoy the task a little more. But I don't! And if you do look like her stop reading my blog. Go away! Never come back! Go down 40 burgers,12 large pizzas, and $200.00 worth of Taco Bell. Because its not fair to us real human ladies.


Each year shorts get shorter and shorter. I'm all about a flattering short short. But I don't want to walk around constantly tucking in my vagina. Shorts and swimsuit shopping are guaranteed to make you gain at least 3 lbs. after. Here you've been thinking all spring you're exercising and good eating habits have been paying off. Until the dreaded turn around in the changing room. Then your heart falls to your ass and there goes that great mood and little self-confidence you've built up. You are now aware that your ass was hit with 15 hail storms and the damage is way worse than you thought. So you decide screw it and soak your sorrows in pizza, ice cream, and vodka!! Lots of vodka!

To make matters worse, there is really no in between. You either get vagina fall out shorts or the other dreaded camel toeing, ass flattening, thigh guard shorts. Am I right ladies no in between. And its not like you can just go pick out your size and take them home without trying them on because no shorts are created equal.

I get it cellulite or a little stretch mark is apart of life. So if I get it why don't short makers understand that too. I'm sure these shorts makers are not V.S. models. Can us regular girls get a flipping break here. I know I don't want to see my shit, I'm pretty sure no one else wants to either.

The only good thing about short season is the skinny lumps. I know its wrong but I can't help but get super happy when I see a 16-19  pre-baby skinny girl sporting these shorter than short shorts with cellulite. Each and every little dimple in the back of her skinny little legs brings happiness to my heart and makes me believe that God just might be a girl.

Far well and good luck short shopping ladies. May your vag not pop out and your ass be covered up more than it is when you're wearing a thong.



Toodles
XOXO